Reviews of Things I Have

I had myself an Angry Whopper from Burger King for lunch the other day, and, let me tell you, it may have been the angriest sandwich I have ever purchased.

The whole thing was sort of a mess, and it left me feeling confused, bloated, and on the verge of implosion.

For those who are unaware, the Angry Whopper is a BK Whopper hamburger with the traditional fixings, plus pepperjack cheese, jalapeños, “Angry Sauce,” and “Angry Onions.” (The last two items are what give the sandwich its upset personality, and, as far as I can tell, are on no other items in the Burger King Menu.) I think mine may have had bacon on it too. I don’t recall; my memory is blurry.

The jalapeños were spicy but not too spicy. The sauce was pretty hot as well but equalized a bit by the mayonnaise. The “Angry Onions” were comparably somewhat spicy and may or may not have been mostly/entirely synthetic like maraschino cherries… I didn’t question it.

Like many fast food items, the first bite of the Angry Whopper was ravenous. The second, slower but still determined. The third, cautious and modest. And so on and so on, until the last bite was taken as if it were the desperate, final lashing of a cruel and merciless torturing.

In conclusion, I give the Angry Whopper from Burger King 1 “Oh, my God, what did I just eat?” and 2 “Uhhhgggg, why do I do this to myself?”s.

Also, the fries were a little too greasy.

First of all, let me say that the new Panormous pizza from Pizza Hut is powerful. So powerful, in fact, that I can’t strike it from my mind and it’s been completely consumed for over 3 hours. I was totally going to write a review about something cool, like the Misfits Box Set or my 300 lb Trinitron but I just can’t shake this feelin’.

Allow me to take you back in time…

Knowing that I was going to have company over for dinner tonight, I decided that the easiest and cheapest way to appease all appetites would be to order pizza. Since I already knew that Pizza Hut is kind enough to let people repeatedly abuse their 20% off first-time online order coupon, I thought I’d browse their website and see about their most recent offerings. The first thing to catch my eye is what appeared to be two pan pizzas in a single box for $12.99. I was immediately sold.

Fast forward to me tearing open the box and pile-driving the mushy, crispy grease-bread down my greedy hatch. One slice down, it’s easy to define the Panormous experience as pure gluttonous pleasure in true Pizza Hut form. Truth be told, there’s really no difference in taste between this pizza and a normal Pizza Hut pan pizza but you get a lot more for your money on this one.

Important Notes:

• antacids, yes
• this pizza might be made of breadsticks (even if it’s not)
• I still think the Bigfoot was bigger and more delicious (even if it wasn’t)